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Finding Fulfilment

A COMO CONVERSATION WITH BEATA JUSTKOWIAK

Mental Wellbeing 5 Minute Read

From January 26th to February 9th, psychologist and life coach Beata Justkowiak will be in residence at COMO Shambhala Point Yamu, Phuket. In this COMO Conversation, she explains why finding purpose in a modern world is challenging, how to successfully commit to your New Year’s resolutions, and why connecting with strangers is the key to freedom. 

Pausing with Purpose

Beata Justkowiak

Beata Justkowiak is a psychologist and life coach dedicated to transforming the way we think, work, exercise and live. Her practice combines different therapies with her interest in sports psychology and Tension and Trauma Releasing Exercises to make psychology practical for the client. Justkowiak's expertise includes emotion regulation, stress and tension release, burnout prevention, depression, anxiety, and restoring balance in the nervous system.

WHAT IS LIFE COACHING, AND WHO DOES IT HELP?

People often think that life coaching is only for those who are struggling in some way in life, but my practice empowers people to discover — on their own — what that missing puzzle piece is to them. It helps them to improve their day-to-day lives, whether they’re struggling with procrastination or a sense of low self-esteem. 

We are living in an era of information overload. Newness comes from the right and the left, and we feel overstimulated and focus on our gaps instead of our gains. We want to maximise everything, and then once we reach it, we want to optimise it. And then once everything is optimised, we try to find balance. What we should be doing is making time and space for the things that matter, and focusing on where we are growing towards and the person we are becoming. Most people look for a sense of self-satisfaction, which is often confused with a search for happiness. What they actually want is to feel satisfied with how they choose to spend their time or how they live their life. The pace of modern life means we tend to live our lives on autopilot. My practice allows the client to reclaim their energy and understand that rest does not need to be earned.

HOW DOES ONE RECOGNISE WHEN A LIFE COACHING SESSION IS DUE?

There’s usually a feeling of living life on autopilot, or a nagging thought that you’re feeling stuck in some way. At the same time, we constantly question ourselves on how to become our most ideal self. I would say that you’re ready for a session when you are okay with tolerating the discomfort that comes with sitting with those questions, without jumping at the chance to find an answer. The biggest benefit of life coaching is that it is much easier to experience a sense of vulnerability with a stranger. When we head out with family or friends, we connect with them, not with ourselves. In connecting with someone unfamiliar, we naturally become more vulnerable. This unlocks a sense of freedom from connecting with someone new, and approaching it in a this-is-who-I-am type of way. You also won’t know what the stranger thinks of you, and it can raise a person’s resilience in dealing with the unknown. Connecting with a stranger isn’t about finding the answers, but it guides us towards being comfortable with ourselves. 

WHAT IS A MAJOR STRUGGLE THAT PEOPLE TYPICALLY FACE?

Most of the time, people come to me wanting to let go of internal stress and pressure, which is often rooted in a lack of self confidence and self-worth. They struggle with perfectionism and procrastination, and these are defense mechanisms of an inability to regulate their emotions. I start them off with somatic work — this involves intentionally creating tension and relaxing. This lets them recognise the physical signals of heightened stress, while also experiencing the differences in the body when they are relaxed. Their mind starts to feel that it is possible to let go of the stress, and this also helps them to accept and internalise the other psychology-backed tools that I’ll use during the session. Psychology can appear opaque to most people and it's not something tangible. So I like to implement somatic work and sports psychology to connect them back to their nervous system — something a little more practical. 

I also ask them to identify two emotions that they felt that day, and rate their emotions on a scale of one to ten. For example, it can be stress, which is rated a seven, and frustration, which is five. Seeing them on a numerical scale helps people to remove the judgment that often comes with overwhelming emotions — instead of thinking and blaming themselves, saying “Oh, I’m stressed again,” they start to tap into their resilience and think about that emotion from a curious perspective. So we turn off judgment, switch on curiosity, and reconnect to the body, prompting them to explore how the emotion affects the body. It lets them build emotional resilience as well, knowing that it’s a seven or a five and they are able to cope. Instead of strictly finding the balance or the cure with a proven strategy, they can be a little bit more flexible with confronting their emotions. They don’t have to face it head on, because it can be overwhelming, but they can take a little peek through the door. 

WHY IS FINDING PURPOSE IN A MODERN WORLD SO DIFFICULT?

Because we think that the purpose has to be perfect. Your life’s purpose doesn’t have to be a single goal — it can be a guiding vision, and it can change. We have to accept and embody the fact that we can change. We’re always working on self-improvement and upgrading, but we also need to recognise that who we are now is different from who we were ten years ago. We are allowed to change, and our life’s purpose and goals can change in tandem with us too. 

It can be challenging to find a purpose if we feel lost. And we are constantly being pulled in a thousand different directions and robbing us of our attention and focus. Usually after a silent retreat, it’s easier to have an aha moment, because this is when we allow ourselves time to just be and feel.

YOU’LL BE AT COMO SHAMBHALA POINT YAMU IN JANUARY AND FEBRUARY. WHAT ARE SOME OF THE PROGRAMMES THAT WE CAN LOOK FORWARD TO?

My approach makes use of the mind-body connection through somatic work and Tension and Trauma Exercises (TRE). TRE focuses on the connection between the body and the nervous system. It allows the body to open up and naturally release deeply-stored patterns of trauma and tension. Trauma isn’t just a single huge occurrence, it can be any kind of moment where the nervous system is overwhelmed and can’t cope — these build up in the muscles and the body, because the body keeps score. 

The advantage of TRE is you don’t need to verbalise your trauma or revisit painful memories. We can release and shake the negative emotions out of the system. It’s best to start it with a certified TRE provider, because it can get quite intense. Therapy is one way to rationalise our emotions, and attain that curiosity, forgiveness, and compassion that we need to move forward. Often, though, there’s something deeper that we need to release and exit the body. 

To calm a racing mind, I tap on the Progressive Muscle Relaxation technique for athletes and business professionals. It’s helpful for people who can’t focus, get distracted easily, or for those who find that meditation doesn’t work for them. The key to this technique is to start lying down, tensing different muscle groups from the bottom to the top. So start with the feet, and progressively work your way up to the head. It can help with falling asleep too. We try to hold the tension for a count of five to ten, or even up to a minute for bigger group classes, before the sweet release. The brain recognises that clear instruction, and there is no opportunity for the mind to wander because it has to control the body between those two states. By directing our attention to different parts of the body, it also gives the brain an opportunity to be fully present on the task at hand, and a moment away from stressing over what to do next. It’s a form of active rest that relaxes both body and mind. And it allows for a sense of empowerment and self-trust. 

IT’S ALSO THE TIME OF THE YEAR WHERE WE MAKE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS. WHAT TIPS DO YOU HAVE FOR STARTING THE YEAR ON A GOOD NOTE?

Regarding New Year’s resolutions, people try to aim for big goals like going to the gym three times a week or completing a marathon. But it would increase pressure on yourself and your nervous system. It's much more important to focus on breaking it down into actions that we can be mindful of throughout the day, rather than the perfect plan to achieve the goals. 

I like to approach it by acknowledging the good things that I’m doing — for example, I like that I can go to the gym once a week. Let’s maintain that, and maybe there will be weeks that can do it thrice a week or even five times a week. What’s most important is accurately assessing how you feel right now, and your own energy levels. A plan to achieve something can be very rigid, and we have very high levels of motivation at the beginning to go for it, but that tapers off, the brain gets bored, and that’s why we want out. That’s why we need to build flexibility into the resolution, and check in with yourself — what am I ready to do every single day? Do I want to do this in the morning or the evening? Is there something else that can occupy my mind and distract me during this time? Should I do this action to improve my focus first before starting other tasks? 

It’s important to assess your own readiness and commitment to taking that action. Are you a morning person or a night person? Where does your energy come from, and what recharges you? What helps you maintain that energy? What task can you complete when you’re low energy? This helps us to map our day and end it feeling like we’ve spent the day in the way we wanted to, rather than doing a huge task when we’re low energy and feeling disappointed that we couldn’t complete it after. If we are able to regulate our emotions and level of focus, we have all the power to commit and take action. Becoming the best version of yourself is a journey that has no end. 

Beata Justkowiak will be at COMO Shambhala Point Yamu, Phuket, from January 26th to February 9th 2025. Her sessions include guided journaling, Tension and Trauma Releasing Exercises, Progressive Muscle Relaxation, and somatic work. To book a session with her, click here. 

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