RAISING TEENS IN THE DIGITAL AGE
With more time online on streaming services, video games and social media, we cannot overlook the influence it has on adolescent identity. With 24/7 accessibility, they are exposed to news, sexually explicit content and violent media from a young age. Coupled with peer pressure, they are compelled to achieve better grades, engage in several extra-curricular activities, devise a career plan, and be the perfect student and child.
The immense pressure teens face today forces them to mature more quickly than they are ready for. The exposure and pressure can change their reward activity centre and lead to a higher risk of mental health challenges in adolescence (or even adulthood) such as stress, sleep difficulties, perfectionism, imposter syndrome or eating disorders.
We speak to COMO Shambhala counsellor Sharon Lim on how parents can support teens’ mental and emotional health in the digital age, and bridge the gap between the real and virtual world.
Embrace The Virtual World
To better understand your teens’ interests and interactions through these digital media, think of the virtual world as largely not so different from the real world. “Be intentional about learning and familiarising yourself with the online world that teens live in,” suggests counsellor Sharon Lim.
Talk to your children about what they are doing online, just as you would be engaged with their sports and other offline interests. Research the language, apps and websites they use. Your child is your best teacher.
In general, what we impart to our children about bullying, stranger danger, sexual grooming and inappropriate behaviour in the real world applies to the virtual world. Here are a few tips to keep your teens safe in the online world:
Guide them on the amount of time spent online
Teach them online etiquette (e.g. Reminding them not to chat with strangers or share information that can identify and locate them; setting strong passwords and not sharing them; never sharing inappropriate photos; and ignoring suspicious links and files sent by strangers or in pop-up boxes)
Explain responsible online behaviour (e.g. Verifying information before sharing: is it true, helpful, inspiring, necessary, or kind?)
Engage them positively online for everyday situations (e.g. Organising schedules, discovering recipes, or finding fun activities)
Disconnection Between Digital Tools and Health
As we increasingly rely on digital tools for work and play, they have become an extension of our brains and bodies. Screens have also become effective ‘electronic babysitters’ when parents are busy or need a break. “Many adults and teens exhibit signs of addiction to screens, and we all know that feeling of hyper-alertness that comes whenever our notifications go off on our phones, transiently distracting us from whatever it was that we were doing at the time, ” observes Sharon.
While correlation is not causation and we need to be cautious in drawing conclusions, excessive screen time has been associated with increasing levels of anxiety and depression. “Additionally in teens, it is also associated with obesity, less healthy diets and decreased physical and cognitive abilities.”
Sharon says, “Current recommendations for kids are limiting screen time to about 2 hours/day. Screen time and limits generally refer to screen time for entertainment purposes, not screen time for educational purposes.”
Signs of Teen Depression
“Parents commonly bring concerns about their teen decreasing engagement or withdrawing from them or the rest of the family. Other concerns are excessive screen time, lack of focus, sleep issues, moodiness, anxiety, and stress. They worry that they can’t figure out what is bothering their child, and can feel helpless or frustrated,” shares Sharon.
Studies show an increase in anxiety and depression, even suicide, in teens. How do you tell if your teen might be depressed and is more than just moody? Oftentimes, they will not realise they might be depressed. Some signs parents can look out for:
Withdrawal from friends
Loss of interest in things they used to enjoy
Mood changes like sadness or irritability
Behavioural changes like eating habits, sleep patterns, energy levels and academic performance
If you notice these, it is possible that your teen may have been depressed for a while, and may also have anxiety and low self-esteem. It is important to promptly seek expert help.
Teen Identity and Self-Esteem
“I think of the opportunity cost. What is a teen giving up in order to have more screen time? And what are they being exposed to online?” asks Sharon. They are sacrificing sleep, exercise, sunshine, and in-person social opportunities, all of which are vital in the normal healthy development of teens’ brains.
Similarly, much of screen time involves the passive (and lazy) absorption of content, impacting the development of concentration, curiosity, and active problem-solving. Healthy development includes learning social skills and acquiring empathy, going out there and taking risks in the real world, figuring out who they are and what they like, what they are good at or not so good at.
Bullying seems more sinister when it happens online. People are less inhibited and parents may not know what is actually happening. Cyberbullying or any form of bullying is traumatic and isolating and can lead to teen depression, anxiety, and less self-worth.
Self-esteem is difficult in one’s teen years. “As parents, we need to walk the tightrope of doing what we can to protect our children’s self-esteem while ensuring they build mental and emotional resilience,” shares Sharon.
In a counselling session, individuals or families can build self-awareness of their emotions, thoughts, and behaviours. This allows the examination of family roles, rules, behaviour patterns, and communication styles – what works and what leads to conflict or misunderstanding.
“The goal is for the individual or family to learn new ways which are healthier and more productive. As a family, communication in session can be guided so that family members can communicate more effectively, improving mutual understanding and increasing the ability of the family to solve problems and address issues,” says Sharon.
Be Patient And Communicate
Adolescent years are an exploration of new feelings and experiences. Physically they are going through momentous changes as they transition through puberty. “Never make the mistake of thinking that your teens are adults, they are not one yet. This is a time when teens are figuring themselves out and it requires some pulling away from parents. Hence the rebellion or stubbornness about taking your advice,” shares Sharon.
During this period, the opinions of their friends matter more than their parents. The drive to ‘belong’ and be like everyone else is strong. This is also a very confusing and emotional time, and yet the control centre of the brain is not fully operational. Self-control is not as good as in adults yet and stresses from school – academically and socially – can get high.
Within safe boundaries, teens also have to learn through their own mistakes. “When they have done something wrong, they generally know and feel bad, it usually requires no more than a mention from you,” says Sharon. It is important to keep the channels of communication open, so that your teen can come to you with problems or to get support.
Rather than rush to judge or solve, listen and try to understand from their perspective. “Help them to understand their own emotions and find the words to describe them. Never dismiss their emotions. Rather, teach them to manage them and express them appropriately and healthily,” she encourages.
Guide them to solve problems – think about how you are imparting skills that will be valuable for life. Be that secure base your child needs by providing unconditional love even when you are angry or if they have done something wrong.
Book a counselling session with Sharon Lim and make constructive and positive shifts today.